Don't Romanticise.

So it seems that before I came here I had the entire thing romanticised up in my head. Of course people are prone to thinking about what certain experiences will be like--I mean, how else would we decide what to do with ourselves?--but from what I'm currently experiencing it would appear that I really took it to the limit with unrealistic thoughts. Which is odd, you know, because I felt very prepared before I left. I actually did all of the AFS preparation crap and kept telling myself not to have any expectations so that I could just experience things as they were. But I guess that, in itself, was a delusion that I created for myself; one of being prepared for this whole deal and being ready to take whatever was coming. Truthfully, I wasn't ready then, am not ready now, and will probably never be ready. I can see that now. I'm despairing that everyone else seems to be having a better time than I am, which is, of course, one of the things AFS specifically tells kids NOT to do. The comparison, that is, not the having a good time part. We're allowed to have fun. Anywho, not the point. I am trying very hard to stay positive about things, but it's difficult when my life is completely off-balance. In my opinion, a normal life consists of a mix of days: mostly passable, with some very good and a few very bad thrown in. This allows for a general feeling of content...perhaps some boredom, but general content. Right now, though, my life seems to be made up of bad day after bad day with the occasional somewhat good day thrown in. And then even the good days have their little flaws that can manage to bring the whole thing down. I full-out hate my school. School here is such a huge waste of time. The teachers, for the most part, do not even teach. It's always "Read pages 193-200 and do exercises 14 and 15." Seriously, what are these people being paid to do? Julia and I both fervently hope to change schools, but so far our host parents have been entirely unsupportive. Not like they would support me anyway; I refer primarily to their approach to her. I want nutritious food but cannot find any. My flute teacher is not interested in what I have to say and, therefore, cannot tailor his approach to help me. The orchestra conductor pretty much blew a gasket when someone at rehearsal (not me, actually) asked him to speak English. Since I got here I have felt like my host family never wanted me, and this was recently confirmed. I get annoyed at pretty much everything that ordinarily wouldn't bother me at all. The kids at my school do not go out at all because they're always busy with church--always, no lies. I miss my family and I miss my friends. I even miss my school. But this entire feeling is not really homesickness; it's not so much that I want to go home as that I just don't want to be here.